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| Lesson - January 8, 2005
Love is Not Anger Pastor Doug Fields Welcome to session 6 of
the Love Series. It's great to come into your small group.
Thanks for investing in your spiritual journey in the lives of
others by being a part of a small group. In this study, we're
going to discuss anger. Now, I've talked to enough people in
our church to know that one of the things we desperately desire is
peace in our lives. Particularly, having peace in our
relationships, but anger seems to oppose peace. When anger
comes up or conflict happens, it prevents peace and pushes us the
other way. It derails, distracts and discourages us from
living in peace. You see, anger is inevitable, we all experience it. But we all don't have to be controlled by it. And I found numerous passages in the Bible on anger, conflict and peace. I realize that there are some interesting and creative ways to deal with things. I read about a guy named Elijah in the Old Testament, he was walking to a village when some boys came out and called him a name. They yelled, 'Go away baldhead, go away baldhead' and I guess Elijah didn't care for the name that he was being called and he got so angry and he cursed at them in the name of the Lord and two bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the kids. A section of the Scriptures that I found more helpful is Genesis chapter 4. It features a couple of characters you might recognize. Please open your Bible to Genesis 4:1-9 (NIV) GE 4:1 Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, "With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man." 2 Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. 3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the LORD. 4 But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The LORD looked with favor on Abel and his offering, 5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. GE 4:6 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." The Bible doesn't tell us why God rejected Cain's sacrifice. Perhaps Cain's attitude was improper, or maybe God didn't care for vegetables, I don't know. But one this is clear, Cain was angry. You can almost see him throwing up his arms up in the air with frustrations, thinking that he was treated unfairly. How do you respond when life seems unfair? Do you automatically switch to anger mode or do you have more positive response mechanism. Now, note the Lord's response. He questioned Cain's reaction and challenged him to response the correct way. And that's a wonderful portrait of a God, of a loving Father. Give Cain a chance to right his wrong and try again. God even encouraged him to do this but Cain refused. And the rest of his life is a startleling example of what happens to those who refuse to admit their mistake. The next time that someone suggests that you're wrong, take an honest look at yourself and choose God's way instead of Cain's. Now, let's look at Cain's response in verse 8 & 9. GE 4:8 Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. GE 4:9 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" "I don't know," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?" The obvious application from this event is not to accept an invitation to a field with someone who is very angry J Other than that, I think this is a story of great illustration of anger gone ugly and how anger can consume and control us. Maybe you haven't been tempted to kill someone but there are other ways to hurt people, whether through words or how we interact with them. Even if we don't hurt someone, anger can make us do some weird things. I read about a recent event where 6ft3, 270lbs, University of Kansas football player, realized that a Chalupa was left out of his Taco Bell order. He got so angry that he tried to climb through the small Drive-thru window and he got stuck. And when the police pulled up, they saw his legs and the back end of himself kicking in mid-air. That's crazy. An uncontrolled anger can be dangerous and bizarre. Now, when it comes to anger, I've heard people say, 'that's who I am, I'm an angry person, my dad was angry, his dad was angry, my great-grandfather was angry, just talking about this makes me angry!'. Okay……but just as we learn unhealthy behavior when dealing with anger & conflict, we can also un-learn it. And in the time we have left, I want to present you with action steps that can take us to the next level, to where God wants us to be in our relationships. He wants us to live in peace. You see, Jesus summarized the entire Old Testament when He said to Love God and love your neighbors as yourself. He said to live in harmony with one another. How do we do that? Let me give you some ideas to get you thinking and then you can talk about these in your small groups. Here are some action steps. 1) When you're angry, hold up the mirror. When anger is triggered, hold up a mirror. You say, 'What is this about? Why am I angry? What ways is this trigger about me? What ways is this trigger about them?' You put up the mirror. You see, a while back, I was traveling through the Dallas Airport, walking on one of those moving sidewalks. And the way this supposed to work, is if you're walking, you walk on the left or if you're enjoying the ride in standing, you stand on the right. And I got my luggage, and I was moving pretty quickly on the left hand side when I hear this "Excuse me, excuse me, get out of the way!" I figured this person was talking about somebody else because I'm moving, I'm walking. But, she was talking to me. And she worked her way around me and right in front of my face she says to her husband, 'I guess he's deaf'. Trigger!! That got me so angry, I wanted to resort and be a child, I wanted to say, 'I guess you're dumb' or something very immature like that. But I just shook my head in disbelief. I put up the mirror. Why did her response bother me? Why didn't I just laugh it off? What was the real issue? Was this about me or was this about her? You see, my natural response was to blame her. But you know what, it was about me. My anger response was my issue. Why did I get triggered? Why did I get lit up? Because my pride was hurt, I mean, the lady made fun of me! She was walking faster than me and she had a cane! No, it wasn't her, it was all about me. That's putting up the mirror. The Bible is consistent on this topic. Proverbs 13:10 says, "Pride leads to argument". Now, for many of us, we can stop right here, close in prayer and we can go home. This is the issue, pride, ego. And when you put up the mirror, what you're saying is, 'God, would You help me to see what's in this.' Now, I've heard people say stuff like this, 'I've been a Christian, x numbers of years, and God doesn't speak to me.' Well, maybe you're not listening. You see, God's got something to say when you put up the mirror and say, 'God, what is this?' I guarantee you, He's going to say something. You see, the anger that we experience is rarely the real issue. And the mirror helps us see deeper than the anger. Anger is what I might call secondary emotion. What most of us do is jump over the primary issue when we live at the anger stage. Now, as far as we know, Cain, never did this. He got angry and he killed his brother. A second to action to consider is this: 2) To evaluate the anger. You see, anger is real. It's not only emotional, it's bio-chemical. In all of our bodies, a defense mechanism kicks in when we're anger. It's God's way of protecting us so we won't be vulnerable to the world. Anger is not bad, but what we do with it, however, that determines a lot. So, you evaluate the anger and you determine its types. Is it healthy anger? Is it hurtful anger? Is it hate filled anger? Now, pretend for a second that I require you to stand in your chair and share a few things that you don't like about each person in your small group. You'd be angry! And you should! Because I'm treating you unfairly, see, that could be healthy anger. Sometimes, when you're angry at a situation, it can be healthy because it's protective. But we still need to control it so it doesn't lead to sin. But there are other angers that are more common to evaluate. There's hurtful anger. Now, hurtful anger is when we're lit up and we're triggered and we begin to gather ammunition against another person. We want to get back, we want to retaliate, we want to get even. We have snappy sayings ready to go that we know it's going to hurt the other person. Then, there's hateful anger. You see, hateful anger is anger turned ugly. It's resentment, it consumes us, we see the person and we can't escape the feeling of anger. You see, the Bible is clear that hurtful anger and hateful anger is outside of God's design for our lives. In Ephesians 4:26 says, "And don't sin by letting anger gain control over you." You see, we gain control over anger when we evaluate it, when we see where it's headed. Imagine evaluating your anger and you see it heading towards words that you'll regret then, you'd evaluate it and say, 'I don't want to go there." Possibly, if Cain were to stop to evaluate his anger, and saw that it was hateful, and he knew where this type of anger would lead, he might have had a different response. You see, evaluating buys time. It allows you to blow up some steam. Evaluating your anger and slowing down your response gives you some time to keep clear from sin that can so easily destroy you, or hurt somebody that you care about. 3) To focus on God's peace plan is the third action. You see, God wants us to experience peace. And He has given us some incredible resources. The Bible, one another. I encourage you to write down some thoughts from this message in your small group discussion on a 3 x5 card, to keep it with you and maybe write down some Scripture verses about peace. And when you're triggered and when you're angry, pull out those cards and remind yourselves of God's plan for peace. Actually, your small group is the best place to talk through all this. Together, come up with some Scriptures and actions that will move you to peace. Share this in the safe environment you've created in your small group. Let me share a few ideas that I tried to do when anger hits. First, pray. I know this seems simple, but what we typically do is talk to people about people instead of talking to people about God. I'm suggesting that as a part of this peace plan, go right to God. James 1:5 says this, "If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask Him and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking." When I have a problem, I can ask God to help me solve it and God wants to help me solve it. So, pray. 2. Go apologize. Powerful words in the English language are: I'm sorry, I was wrong, forgive me. They can change a conflict but for many of us, these are difficult words to say. Proverbs 28:13 says this, "Anyone who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if He confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance." It's not easy to apologize, but it's a step towards peace. 3. Another step towards peace is to confront. Some people love to confront but it's usually in a form of an attack. If you can learn to confront with grace and truth, you'll win. Grace says this, 'I care about you, I love you, this relationship is important.' Truth says, 'What's going on inside? Here's how I feel.' It's okay for you to be angry. You see, Jesus was angry. Jesus started conflict, He avoided conflict, and He resolved conflict. Once you understand what's really going on inside of you, then sit down with the individual who has hurt you or let you down and let him know how that made you feel. You might want to say something like, 'I want to share with you, I felt devalued. I felt wounded, I felt betrayed, I felt belittled.' Use those "I feel" statements. Your feelings are not wrong. Don't use "You" statements, 'You make me feel….' Because when you do, others become defensive and it puts up a wall. Say, 'I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, I feel afraid.' 4. Another action step is to forgive. This is a biggie. It's tough and it wipes most people out. Some of us have been gravely hurt, we've been wronged. But we know what the Bible says in Colossians 3:13, "Remember, the Lord forgave you so you, must forgive others." For some, you hear that and it's so impossible. You've been wounded deeply to the core. I know that, I've been there. I've embodied the bitterness and resentment that comes from anger that's turned ugly. Where it totally consumed me and every time I thought of or saw this person, I unravel inside. I understand. And that type of feelings keep us from our journey of peace. It derails us, in many, if not all of our relationships. Whenever I would hear somebody talks about forgiveness, I'd say, 'I can't'. Some of you might be saying, 'You don't know how much I've been hurt.' But as I put up the mirror, do you know what I hear God say? "Doug, you don't have to forgive that person more than I have had to forgive you." And as I continue to process it, think and pray, I also realize that maybe some of this resentment that's living inside of us can be translated into compassion. Compassion for people who are really hurting. Some of us have been so derailed from the journey of peace because we are holding people up by the neck. You've got to forgive. You've got to release it. The bottom line is this, until we're at peace with God, we're not going to be at peace with others. I've given you a lot stuff, a lot to think about. But I encourage you to positively respond to anger. Instead of following in Cain's negative foot steps, your small group is one of the greatest resources you have in your spiritual journey. So be sure to value each other and ask for help. Say, 'I need help, anger controls me and I hurt others.' Then, be there for one another, to pray and encourage each other during this time. Thank you for contributing to each other's lives. Small groups are the backbone of this healthy church. Please, I encourage you to talk about this anger and you'll be changed. God bless you. |
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